I had been talking to my father for eighteen years because we quarreled as soon as we talked. It was so painful. We didn't speak or had zero interaction, but we were much more relaxed.
After my mother died suddenly in a car, I had to interact with my father again, and the painful experience came back. It took me more than two years to reconcile with my father.
On this path of reconciliation, I have done many classes. Some courses can be done by yourself, and some need to be done by yourself, and some need to seek help from outside. I have talked to my chief Li Chongjian many times, and have more understanding of myself and my father. I have accepted myself and my father, which has also accelerated the reconciliation of father and son.
Once a conversation, I told Chongjian that I felt very angry with my father. He asked me, what was he angry about?
self-defeating.
Chongjian, please tell me more.
I said that after my father was forced to retire, he began to give up his life, leave himself at home, watch political programs every day, watch live broadcasts at night, and watch replays during the day. Not only did I not leave the door, but I also prevented my mother from leaving the door. As long as my mother wanted to travel or participated in the long swimming in Sun Moon Lake, Xizi Bay and other places, my father's face would collapse and he began to feel angry. My mother cried to me more than once. Is
still there? Chongjian, please give me another example.
I said that my father had Buckinson's disease and his right hand would tremble involuntarily. When my mother was still alive, she was responsible for all the big and small things in the family. After my mother left, she had to handle the inheritance. Many documents were signed by her father. His right hand could no longer be written. I asked him to practice with his left hand, but he gave up after only one day of practice.
Chongjian looked at me who became more and more angry, and stopped for a long time before using his calm and calm language:
"Zhizhong, have you ever experienced self-destruction in your life?"
I was stunned for a moment, and replied in a flash: "No."
My understanding of myself was so rough that year! My opinion is to study Liu Zongyuan. I know his family background, career, friendship, personality, etc. I am so unfamiliar with myself, and I actually think I have no experience of giving up. Now I think about it.
Chongjian wants me to think about it again.
Then I gradually realized: It turns out that I also have many experiences of self-disobedience, and I talked about that kind of self. This discovery shocked me: It turns out that what I was talking about may not be my father, but myself. I projected my own wickedness onto my father. I look at myself, I will look at others.
Only by starting to learn the observation can you accept itHowever, only this observation is not enough and I have forgotten it soon. In another conversation, I mentioned that I didn’t like many characteristics of my father, and Chongjian asked me to write three.
I answered without thinking:
"Solid, strong, and poor."
Chongjian stopped for a while, and re-used the same trick: "Zhi Zhong, do you have these three characteristics?"
I heard it and was shocked. This time, I honestly admit that I have all these three characteristics.
The discovery made me feel overwhelmed for a while: How could this be done? How could I disturb myself like this? But it is projected onto the father again? Can you tell me that everything is my own problem and has nothing to do with my father?
"Yi Zhong, take the example of being too ruthless, what good is this characteristic that has ever brought you?" Chong Jian asked.
I heard it and couldn't help but get excited, saying:
"How is it possible? Depressed and slumbered have caused me to fall into emotional pain for a long time, not make too many friends, not find a job, and make my life like this. It only brings bad things, how can it bring good things?"
Chongjian paused for a while and said lightly:
"Zhi Zhong, is there such a possibility? You like reading and writing later. You will be interested in literature, history, and philosophy. Is it possible that it has something to do with your depressedness?"
This time, I was as shocked as a reminder, and I couldn't respond. In an instant, my world was dizzy, and the perspective of looking at yourself and looking at things was completely different.
It turns out that the characteristics of my discussion have another side, which is what I call "resources". This feature is brought to me in bad places, but in many times its resources are brought to me in good places.
With a rich look, I have experienced it deeply in the conversation.
After these two conversations with Chongjian, two things slowly fermented in my relationship with my father:
1. I can not only accept myself and easily give up, but also slowly accept my father and easily give up.2. I can not only look at myself with a rich eye, but also gradually apply it to others and look at my father with a rich eye.
For example, I began to see the "resources" of my father who brought him.
The more solid is, the more persistent it is.After my mother passed away, my father lived with me for a year and a half. One day, he suddenly fell down at home, and since then he lost the ability to take care of himself and could not walk. I had to send him to the nursing center to settle.
My father didn't like this decision. He wanted to go home and live, but he didn't want to make it difficult for me. Therefore, he was resurrected in the nursing center, hoping to stand up again and take care of himself. Once, he was able to walk the 20-minute road alone under the help of no one.
At this time, his instinct made him fall down again.
The care center where the father lives is, there are five people in a room, each with one bed, and each bed has a help pin on the bed. My father doesn't like to bother others and never presses the elbow.
(This article is excerpted from the "17 Practices to Reopen Life" by the Jungle Press)
